I know, I know.
If it makes you feel any better, I have even had trouble fitting in the time for a shower more than once a week. Our wonderful, amazing, awesome family and friends have been coming over to watch Snooter a couple days a week so I can get the house cleaned, and you know, shower. I’m about halfway there.
You see, I want to watch her all the time! She amazes me. There is something new happening constantly, and I don’t want to miss a thing. Even as I type this, I find my self taking breaks to watch her, because she is constantly noticing something new, or learning to smile, or frown. (which is adorable, if not heartbreaking) I love listening to her little noises, she so badly wants to talk, and I cant wait to know what shes thinking. That’s not to say she isn’t already a pretty effective little communicator. She has her own sign for food or pacifier, and she grunts and sometimes pulls at her diaper when she needs a change. She even looks you in the eye and wobbles her head when she wants to be rocked, which is all. the. time. She has different cries for different needs, and we are beginning to understand and anticipate them.
These past six and a half weeks have been exhausting, educational, funny, and wonderful, and while I don’t want her growing any faster than she already is, because it feels incredibly fast, I can’t wait to see her personality come out!
She’s already got quite the attitude, she gets hangry in 0.5 seconds from sleep. Parents, you know they say watch for the signs in sleep or before the screaming starts? I told you she has a sign for hunger, but that doesn’t mean she’s willing to give us any time to actually get a bottle made before she gets upset. It goes: hunger sign, open eyes, scream. At least its a cute scream. (I’m pretty sure I’m programmed to think that, as her mom, never the less…)
The other thing is a little bit of guilt. Even though I’m on maternity leave and technically still being paid, I feel like staying home comes with certain responsibilities besides taking care of our daughter. If I can’t create a perfect world for this perfect little being, then I don’t deserve her. And I really want her to be happy.
Now, Cris has never once said anything to me about the following, so it’s all me, please don’t misunderstand. He’s been totally supportive, and helpful as well, and he’s an unbelievably amazing partner and father. But, because I’m not going into work right now, I feel like the house needs to be spotless, dinner has to be, if not made, at least taken care of, and the baby has to be clean and well behaved when daddy comes home, because he has to be away at work all day, and some days, I can’t even manage to get the diaper on tight enough, and he gets peed on the moment he gets home. Now I know how silly that is, not to mention, a very antiquated way of thinking, because Cris would never expect that of me, but it would sure be nice if I could manage it. It weighs on me a little that it’s not happening that way.
All this being said, there’s something I’m starting to realize. It’s something Cris has said from the very beginning. If I don’t take care of ME, I can’t take care of the baby. There are times when I need to get out of the house, even if it’s running errands without Snooter in tow, or going to see a movie and have a meal with my sister or work family. Self care is important, and I can’t be sorry about that. Cris is perfectly capable of caring for his daughter the same way I do while he’s gone, as he likes to remind me of before I worryingly step out the door.
That is something I did not anticipate, the need to remove my self for a while, but it makes a HUGE difference in my well being, and all the more eager to step back into my mommy role when I get home, because its inevitable that I miss her the whole time, and wonder if Cris got to see something that I haven’t yet that day.
So we are learning, and more in love with that little baby girl than we ever thought possible.
Now, what do I pack for the first camping trip?